So long.

Since I’ve updated this blog of mine. I thought I would be blogging a lot more than I currently am with the whole overseas-studying thingy going on. I don’t know what it is whether its there’s not that much excitement, me being ‘too busy’ or just plain lazy. You tell me.

I just went through a very stressful phase the past couple of weeks. The realisation of how incapable I actually am, how I achieved practically nothing through out my whole life, I can’t even speak in front of less than 12 people without stammering and having my mind totally go blank.

Another high table dinner just a few days ago. I suddenly discovered to what extent I loathe social gatherings, parties with people I do not know, basically strangers. I do not see why people would like to dress up in uncomfortable dresses, shoes and suits which are very impractical in this freaking cold weather. I do not get the cocktail session where you’re supposed to mingle around with people you don’t give a shit about but in the end everyone just goes back to their own clique (the whole point being….?). Don’t even get me started with the people sitting around me and I really really mean AROUND me, front, back, left, right, 45 deg, 135 deg. They all know each other and they talk AROUND me. I’m just too tired to even try to strike up a conversation because I know just how it’d go and end – “Where are you from?” “Malaysia” “Ohhhh… How come Malaysians know how to speak Cantonese?” “We do have Chinese over there mar…”. Once, it even stopped at the “Malaysia” part.

I do not really care if you think I’m a whiner or whatever. One thing’s for sure, I am not sociable. I rather be left alone if I have to work to get into one’s circle and yet still feel like outsider. Do not pity me when you see me sitting alone during lectures.

Another thing which I hope would burn in hell are the fucking formal suits. Why would anyone want to be dressed in such constraining attire. Honestly.

Despite everything above, I still have some enjoyable ocassions here. Recently, one of them that brings me joy is my jongmates. Before the campaign, I really thought I could die if I continued to maintain such relationships with them. But after the whole campaign (even thought I had to stay 40 hours awake), it did bring us closer together. Brought out a little craziness in me which has been suppressed for super duper long time.

Another is my Malaysian friends. Met up some from Poly U the other night for steamboat, even though we didn’t talk much, but the whole thing felt like I was home again or something. They were really nice and funny people. Eating Magnum ice-cream outside 7-11. Weird but nice. (I think the all-you-can-eat steamboat buffet had to do with the joy I got out of this outing too! :p The plates of beef and flower pork!)

I have so much to do this semester and I am not sure how I am going to cope with it. New stuff to learn, studies to catch up on, basketball practice which I do enjoy very much despite the lack of interaction because my Mandarin sucks, Music Club functions etc.

I f*cking love and hate my life both at the same time!

p.s. Sorry for all the vulgarness which appears from now on. I’m tired of pretending to be decent and proper.